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About Deviant has become a total spaz25/Female/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 11 Years
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When did it first start?

When was the first time
I watched her strike my brother
Threatening to do the same to me
If I didn't "straighten up"

When did it first start?

The first time she called me
Over sensative
For wearing my emotions on my sleeve
Or crying at every little thing
Unlike my brother or father
Who were all but numb
To their emotions

When did it first start?

The first time she told me
I was wrong
For the way I felt
For being upset
That something had occurred
Something she'd done
That my emotions
Were wrong

When did it first start?

When did she first notice
That I clung to toxic people
That abusive relationships
Were sure to follow me in life

When did it first start?

When even as I reached out
Begging for help
Against the self harm
And depression
That she shamed me
For having even started

When did it first start?

When I started to find an attraction
To more than just the male figure
When she told me
I would go to Hell
That I desperately needed
Jesus and God
In my life if I wanted to get better

When did it first start?

When I turned to drugs
And alcohol
To numb the pain
To quiet the voices
To hush the fears
That she had instilled
Inside my mind

When did it first start?

I never wanted to hate you
I loved you so dearly
I fear the day I lose you
But, Mom,
You've been slowly killing me
Gaslighting
Been a while since I written anything worth while. Honestly, this isn't even worth while. But I needed to get this out, to get this off my chest. Somewhere where she couldn't make me feel guilty...
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Back to pain
Back to the familiar
Allowing my weaknesses
To ruin what I do
And how I respond
Preventing me from reaching out
From getting what I want
And even what I need

I’d hoped I was past this
Past the need
Past the want
Though in reality
It was never actually gone
It just took a different form

Many different forms really
Different addictions
Different pains
Different ways to numb all that I felt
Ways to ignore what was going on around me
To only focus on myself
And my selfish wants

Even now
As I write this all down
Its all out of some sick desire
Just some twisted thought in my mind
That my pain
Is any worse
Than anyone else's.
Pain
Another old piece. This one is from 2010, so a year after I graduated high school, almost a year after Jackie and I broke things off. Well, it's still amazingly fitting, especially since I'm going through pain killer withdrawal.
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  • Listening to: Disgaea PC Soundtrack
  • Watching: Blaze beating ass on Disgaea
  • Playing: Pokemon White
  • Drinking: Cran-Cherry Juice
A lot has happened since I last posted or updated on here, so I'll try to keep things fairly simple.

HEALTH
My health has taken a turn for the worse.
I have two vertebrae in my lower lumbar that are degrading. I've spoke with a surgeon and surgery is not ideal for someone like me. (25, smoker, have arthritis, fibro, depression, and anxiety.) He fears I would be left in more pain than before and has prescribed me 6 weeks of physical therapy to start me into more regular exercise. I'm not excited about this, but I am terribly out of shape, and my back pain has only made that worse.
I started seeing a new therapist in December, and I really like him. I need to start scheduling appointments again (stopped because of back pain) but I'm started on the right track to getting my depression and anxiety under control.
I wish I could say I'm doing better mentally, but being in so much pain and being in a non-functioning state have made things much worse. I break down over the littlest thing, but know that it's all related to my physical state. Once I'm back to where I was physically, I can begin working towards a healthier mental state.

PERSONAL LIFE
For those who don't know, I got married back in September!
My husband and I had been engaged for a little over 2 years, and decided that for my health (aka him being able to talk to doctors, receive calls, and pick up meds for me) we should get married. Trust me, we didn't rush this, we put a lot of thought into it.
The wedding was nice, quite a few of our close friends got to be there, as well as my own parents, who flew in from out of state. Not everything was perfect, but a lot of things went really well, and I got to see people I hadn't seen in years, so that made me really happy.

ART
My art and writing have slowed to less than a crawl. I'm still working on stories on occasion, but I hardly draw anymore, something I'm hoping to pick back up. I hope to have the first few chapters of Adrian's story posted here by the next update, though I have no deadline set due to my health.

If anyone needs to contact me, you can find me over on Tumblr, where I spend most of my days. I'm also spending much more time on Skype, so if you PM me, I just might give you my Skype name.

deviantID

Kurisutaru-Kitsune's Profile Picture
Kurisutaru-Kitsune
has become a total spaz
United States
Please understand my profile picture was not drawn by me, but an acquaintance named Sophie Colley. :iconkyuniko:
Current Residence: Some dark abyss where I'm slowly destroying myself
Favorite genre of music: A bit pf everything.
Favorite Artist: :icondhblaze:
Shell of choice: swirl
Wallpaper of choice: Something not wall colored.
Favorite cartoon character: Bakura and Pinkamena
Personal Quote: If you can't accept me, get away from me.
Interests
  • Listening to: Disgaea PC Soundtrack
  • Watching: Blaze beating ass on Disgaea
  • Playing: Pokemon White
  • Drinking: Cran-Cherry Juice
A lot has happened since I last posted or updated on here, so I'll try to keep things fairly simple.

HEALTH
My health has taken a turn for the worse.
I have two vertebrae in my lower lumbar that are degrading. I've spoke with a surgeon and surgery is not ideal for someone like me. (25, smoker, have arthritis, fibro, depression, and anxiety.) He fears I would be left in more pain than before and has prescribed me 6 weeks of physical therapy to start me into more regular exercise. I'm not excited about this, but I am terribly out of shape, and my back pain has only made that worse.
I started seeing a new therapist in December, and I really like him. I need to start scheduling appointments again (stopped because of back pain) but I'm started on the right track to getting my depression and anxiety under control.
I wish I could say I'm doing better mentally, but being in so much pain and being in a non-functioning state have made things much worse. I break down over the littlest thing, but know that it's all related to my physical state. Once I'm back to where I was physically, I can begin working towards a healthier mental state.

PERSONAL LIFE
For those who don't know, I got married back in September!
My husband and I had been engaged for a little over 2 years, and decided that for my health (aka him being able to talk to doctors, receive calls, and pick up meds for me) we should get married. Trust me, we didn't rush this, we put a lot of thought into it.
The wedding was nice, quite a few of our close friends got to be there, as well as my own parents, who flew in from out of state. Not everything was perfect, but a lot of things went really well, and I got to see people I hadn't seen in years, so that made me really happy.

ART
My art and writing have slowed to less than a crawl. I'm still working on stories on occasion, but I hardly draw anymore, something I'm hoping to pick back up. I hope to have the first few chapters of Adrian's story posted here by the next update, though I have no deadline set due to my health.

If anyone needs to contact me, you can find me over on Tumblr, where I spend most of my days. I'm also spending much more time on Skype, so if you PM me, I just might give you my Skype name.

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Comments


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:iconwhitenoiseghost:
WhiteNoiseGhost Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you kindly for watching me.
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2016
No problem! Really love your work and style!
Reply
:iconloreto-arts:
Loreto-Arts Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014   Digital Artist
Hey hey! Thanks for the watch! :)
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014
:D No prob my friend!
Reply
:iconrinjapine:
Rinjapine Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013
thanks for the watch! 8D
Reply
:iconkyuniko:
Kyuniko Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh mah gawd i lvoe my lil llama thank you! :D
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
^^ no problem (Its me, Myra btw ;P)
Reply
:iconkyuniko:
Kyuniko Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh hai!!!
Reply
:iconangelicmodivation:
AngelicModivation Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013
Thank you for the llama!
Reply
:icontrueform:
Trueform Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank yuo for the llama the fave :D
Reply
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