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Literature
Gaslighting
When did it first start?
When was the first time
I watched her strike my brother
Threatening to do the same to me
If I didn't "straighten up"
When did it first start?
The first time she called me
Over sensative
For wearing my emotions on my sleeve
Or crying at every little thing
Unlike my brother or father
Who were all but numb
To their emotions
When did it first start?
The first time she told me
I was wrong
For the way I felt
For being upset
That something had occurred
Something she'd done
That my emotions
Were wrong
When did it first start?
When did she first notice
That I clung to toxic people
That abusive relationships
Were sure to follow me in life
When did it first start?
When even as I reached out
Begging for help
Against the self harm
And depression
That she shamed me
For having even started
When did it first start?
When I started to find an attraction
To more than just the male figure
When she told me
I would go to Hell
That I desperately needed
Jesus and God
In my life if I w
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 0
Literature
Pain
Back to pain
Back to the familiar
Allowing my weaknesses
To ruin what I do
And how I respond
Preventing me from reaching out
From getting what I want
And even what I need
I’d hoped I was past this
Past the need
Past the want
Though in reality
It was never actually gone
It just took a different form
Many different forms really
Different addictions
Different pains
Different ways to numb all that I felt
Ways to ignore what was going on around me
To only focus on myself
And my selfish wants
Even now
As I write this all down
Its all out of some sick desire
Just some twisted thought in my mind
That my pain
Is any worse
Than anyone else's.
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 0
Literature
Nothing New
An open road lies before me
As open as it may seem
Struggles and pain are in my way
To show what I may see
Your love, your lies,
Your petty soul, trick my eyes again
My heart, my mind,
You tear me down to see
What pain I will endure
Before I’ll strike back
So you will never
Hurt another soul
Such pain I feel
The pain they see
I will suffer silently
This pain is mine
I will insure
No one but me
Is ever hurt
By the one
That struck me down
To see me die
And watch me drown
I slit my wrists
And starve myself
To try to hide me pain
That no one else
Will ever have to see
And never have to feel
Because I love you
And will not let you be
In the pain I feel
So I’ll take it from you
And make it my own
So you will not be hurt
Do not worry
I will be fine
This is nothing new
In my mind
This is just the game
In which I play
With my own emotions
To see what I can handle
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 1 2
The Puppies and The Horses by Kurisutaru-Kitsune The Puppies and The Horses :iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 4
Literature
Self Harm Survey
Age?
21
Sex?
Female
Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc.?
Druggie, Weirdo, Freak
How long have you been cutting?
11 years
Favorite tool?
Straight edged razor blade.
Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?
Wherever I am when I decide I need to.
Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists, forearms, & upper arms, etc.)?
I don't have to hide, my family and doctors know, and I am not ashamed of my scars.
Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I used to, even in 100 degree weather. Not anymore though. I'm not afraid to be seen in a dress or bikini
Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Yes
Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?
From right wrist up to the shoulder, both sides of ribcage, along bra line, hips, thighs (inner and top), ankles, shins, back, and occationally I'll shove a needle thru the back of my right hand.
What's your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?
Usually an animal, or some 'I'm a clutz, duh'
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 0
Open Road Stock by Kurisutaru-Kitsune Open Road Stock :iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 0
Literature
Tomorrow
hard to remember
how to live
how to sing
how to fight
hard to remember
yesterday
when today is so bright
with mental reminders
to keep moving forward
to not give in
to not give up
those little reminders
that hurt your heart
that hurt your soul
that make you feel like
your all alone
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 2 0
Literature
Destruction, Thy Name is Mine
No matter what I say
No matter how I try
I can’t help but want
To be really high
To remember what it’s like
To be carefree
Not a worry in the world
Even if it’s temporary
But I know in my heart
I’m taking great risk
Eventually, my luck will end
And boy, will they be pissed
When they discover the truth
The secrets and the lies
Disappointment and pain
They’ll wonder why
After all that I know
And all that I’ve seen
Why I would still do this
And be a stupid teen
And honesty, my parents,
It’s sad, but it’s true
All these stupid things
I do because of you
You ignored me, you didn’t listen
When I needed you most
Though I really don’t blame
And I definitely don’t boast
For the path that I follow
Is the road that I chose
Only a few had influence
As I slowly rose
Now I stand on my feet
Though I occasionally fall
But my friends help me up
You don’t understand at all
I won’t follow your ways
I don’t believe in your path
You made
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 2 6
Literature
His Name is Addiction
It always seems so easy
You hear it all the time
“Dude, just quit!”
“Can’t you see what it does to you?”
“I hate how you act on that shit”
“It’s not that hard! Just stop it!”
Why don’t I?
Why can’t I just stop?
I ask myself that every day
And every day,
I try.
Yet there’s still this
Aching
Throbbing
Shrill
Little
Voice
That belongs to such a
Twisted
Demented
Disgusting
Vile
Little
Creature
Every time I try to stop
He comes in with that thing
That painful thing
withdraw
That drives me back to the drugs
Back to the highs
And back to the destruction
He lives in my brain
He hides in my soul
I swear
He must be Ana’s brother
Just that nagging little monster
That screams in your ear
“Why are you sober?
Don’t you wanna be high?
You know its fun,
You know you love it.
You won’t get caught
You never get caught.
You need it,
You need me.
Why would you throw away
Something you love so much?”
He
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 2 18
Literature
Saved Again
A suicide
The perfect death
A bottle of pills
A glittering blade
Take the pills
To feel no pain
Cut the skin
Destroy the vein
Black surrounds
A tiny light
Take a puff of cigarette
It doesn’t matter
I’m dead anyway
It won’t work
I can feel it
Pain in my gut
Gagging starts
They yank out a tube
Black comes out
The charcoal taste
The cigarette aftertaste
The nasty color
The disgusting feeling
I look at myself
More stitches
I’m a bloody mess
I laugh aloud
I fake more smiles
I’m okay
I always am
No one ever knows
They never ask
They never care
They only assume
That I’m fine
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 2 5
Literature
Do You Know?
Do you know what its like?
To look at your veins
And only want to slice
Them open?
Do you know what its like?
To look at your scars
And wish you could
Make more?
Do you know what its like?
To feel guilt from
Every bite of food
You eat?
Do you know what its like?
To wish you could wear
That beautiful dress without
The scars or your bones
Showing?
Do you know what its like?
To wish for the courage
To finally end it all?
Do you know what its like?
To have your mother
Check your skin
Everyday
To make sure you
Haven’t cut?
Do you know what its like?
To have your family
Watch your every bite
To keep you from
Starving yourself?
Do you know how it feels?
Do you know how it hurts?
Tell me, my dear
Do you know what its like
To be me?
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 3 18
Literature
Bad Girls
Bite your lip
Don’t give an inch
‘Cause bad girls don’t cry
We’ll rip you apart
And tear you down
‘Cause bad girls don’t care
We’ll use every word
To strike you down
‘Cause bad girls are cruel
We’ll act like a bitch
So don’t mess with us
‘Cause bad girls are crude
We really attack everyone
It only feels like you’re the one
‘Cause bad girls don’t judge
They only find a little thing
That they can pick on
‘Cause bad girls are vipers
We’ll strike and attack
Until you fall apart
‘Cause bad girls don’t back down
But you attack one of ours
And you won’t live another day
‘Cause bad girls are loyal
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 4
Cracks in the Mirror by Kurisutaru-Kitsune Cracks in the Mirror :iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 1 0 Skeletal Still Life by Kurisutaru-Kitsune Skeletal Still Life :iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 0 0
Literature
Torn Innocence
Blood splattered dreams
Matching ripped up wings
A tattered, torn angel
Cries to be saved.
Hands chained to perfection
Small, bloodied wrists
Cloth covers those eyes
That hold so much innocence.
The small, fragile body
Displayed for all to see
Is about to be
Violated and broken.
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 1 5
Literature
Ownership
I want to say
I don’t think
About cutting
But that’s a lie
I want to
Promise to stop
But that’s not true
I want to say
That to stop myself
I only have to think of you
But lies overwhelm
I cannot hide
The pain it too much
The sorrow, too great
I need you to know
I can’t stop
I won’t survive
I want to die
To sleep at last
I now know
I need your help
I want your love
But you ignore
You push me away
Take me away
I don’t want to live
If I cannot be yours
I want you to say
“You are mine”
I long to belong
I want to be owned
I want to be loved.
:iconKurisutaru-Kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:Kurisutaru-Kitsune 1 12

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Literature
Becoming Me
Who have I become
Or who would I have been if I never ever did this
I know it's impossable to change the past
But either way, I can't help dwelling on it
It's pitch black in my room
And no one ever knows that I spend my nights crying
No one can tell me who I would have been
Do you know who I've become
It's finally hitting me that I'm just like
Those junkies on TV that I always feel so sorry for
I'm a razor junkie
Everything that's bottled up in me is pouring out
(Pouring out in my bittersweet teardrops)
Every time I've ever gave in
I've burnt those around me
I hate what I've done to my friends
Sometimes I feel so guilty that I want to die
And then things only get worse
And I know my death would only makes things worse
Am I so cruel?
My body goes into freak out mode
I start shaking from my legs to my teeth
I can't think straight
I zone out completly
When people tell me they're disappointed that I gave in,
All I want to do is hurt myself
This cycle is so brutal!
I can't look at myself wi
:iconSlowlydying:Slowlydying
:iconslowlydying:Slowlydying 8 14
Literature
Nothing Wrong
I find nothing out of place about me dragging this blade across my wrist
I see nothing wrong with that
I do not shirk back from the pain
In truth I don't feel any pain
This is an everyday occurrence
These self inflicted injuries
Tell me I'm insane
Tell me I need help
This has become so common place that no longer means anything
Hidden razors and rags soaked in blood
Long sleeves when it's hot out and bracelets a bound
This is who I am now, can you accept that?
These are as much a part of my life as my closest friends
Accept me for I am
Accept this as who I am
This is something I can not change
Can not let go of
Will not let go of
Once again I feel that I do not have a self with out these cuts that define me
Does that make me crazy in your eyes?
It makes me crazy in mine
This habit that is contradictory in its nature
Cause pain to control pain
Where is the logic in that?
Where is the sense in that?
Like so many other things logic and sense left with the first drop of blood
They can not
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Watchers

Activity


When did it first start?

When was the first time
I watched her strike my brother
Threatening to do the same to me
If I didn't "straighten up"

When did it first start?

The first time she called me
Over sensative
For wearing my emotions on my sleeve
Or crying at every little thing
Unlike my brother or father
Who were all but numb
To their emotions

When did it first start?

The first time she told me
I was wrong
For the way I felt
For being upset
That something had occurred
Something she'd done
That my emotions
Were wrong

When did it first start?

When did she first notice
That I clung to toxic people
That abusive relationships
Were sure to follow me in life

When did it first start?

When even as I reached out
Begging for help
Against the self harm
And depression
That she shamed me
For having even started

When did it first start?

When I started to find an attraction
To more than just the male figure
When she told me
I would go to Hell
That I desperately needed
Jesus and God
In my life if I wanted to get better

When did it first start?

When I turned to drugs
And alcohol
To numb the pain
To quiet the voices
To hush the fears
That she had instilled
Inside my mind

When did it first start?

I never wanted to hate you
I loved you so dearly
I fear the day I lose you
But, Mom,
You've been slowly killing me
Gaslighting
Been a while since I written anything worth while. Honestly, this isn't even worth while. But I needed to get this out, to get this off my chest. Somewhere where she couldn't make me feel guilty...
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deviantID

Kurisutaru-Kitsune's Profile Picture
Kurisutaru-Kitsune
has become a total spaz
United States
Please understand my profile picture was not drawn by me, but an acquaintance named Sophie Colley. :iconkyuniko:
Current Residence: Some dark abyss where I'm slowly destroying myself
Favorite genre of music: A bit pf everything.
Favorite Artist: :icondhblaze:
Shell of choice: swirl
Wallpaper of choice: Something not wall colored.
Favorite cartoon character: Bakura and Pinkamena
Personal Quote: If you can't accept me, get away from me.
Interests
  • Listening to: Disgaea PC Soundtrack
  • Watching: Blaze beating ass on Disgaea
  • Playing: Pokemon White
  • Drinking: Cran-Cherry Juice
A lot has happened since I last posted or updated on here, so I'll try to keep things fairly simple.

HEALTH
My health has taken a turn for the worse.
I have two vertebrae in my lower lumbar that are degrading. I've spoke with a surgeon and surgery is not ideal for someone like me. (25, smoker, have arthritis, fibro, depression, and anxiety.) He fears I would be left in more pain than before and has prescribed me 6 weeks of physical therapy to start me into more regular exercise. I'm not excited about this, but I am terribly out of shape, and my back pain has only made that worse.
I started seeing a new therapist in December, and I really like him. I need to start scheduling appointments again (stopped because of back pain) but I'm started on the right track to getting my depression and anxiety under control.
I wish I could say I'm doing better mentally, but being in so much pain and being in a non-functioning state have made things much worse. I break down over the littlest thing, but know that it's all related to my physical state. Once I'm back to where I was physically, I can begin working towards a healthier mental state.

PERSONAL LIFE
For those who don't know, I got married back in September!
My husband and I had been engaged for a little over 2 years, and decided that for my health (aka him being able to talk to doctors, receive calls, and pick up meds for me) we should get married. Trust me, we didn't rush this, we put a lot of thought into it.
The wedding was nice, quite a few of our close friends got to be there, as well as my own parents, who flew in from out of state. Not everything was perfect, but a lot of things went really well, and I got to see people I hadn't seen in years, so that made me really happy.

ART
My art and writing have slowed to less than a crawl. I'm still working on stories on occasion, but I hardly draw anymore, something I'm hoping to pick back up. I hope to have the first few chapters of Adrian's story posted here by the next update, though I have no deadline set due to my health.

If anyone needs to contact me, you can find me over on Tumblr, where I spend most of my days. I'm also spending much more time on Skype, so if you PM me, I just might give you my Skype name.

Comments


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:iconwhitenoiseghost:
WhiteNoiseGhost Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you kindly for watching me.
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2016
No problem! Really love your work and style!
Reply
:iconloreto-arts:
Loreto-Arts Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014   Digital Artist
Hey hey! Thanks for the watch! :)
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014
:D No prob my friend!
Reply
:iconrinjapine:
Rinjapine Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013
thanks for the watch! 8D
Reply
:iconkyuniko:
Kyuniko Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh mah gawd i lvoe my lil llama thank you! :D
Reply
:iconkurisutaru-kitsune:
Kurisutaru-Kitsune Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
^^ no problem (Its me, Myra btw ;P)
Reply
:iconkyuniko:
Kyuniko Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh hai!!!
Reply
:iconangelicmodivation:
AngelicModivation Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013
Thank you for the llama!
Reply
:icontrueform:
Trueform Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank yuo for the llama the fave :D
Reply
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