When did it first start?
When was the first time
I watched her strike my brother
Threatening to do the same to me
If I didn't "straighten up"
When did it first start?
The first time she called me
Over sensative
For wearing my emotions on my sleeve
Or crying at every little thing
Unlike my brother or father
Who were all but numb
To their emotions
When did it first start?
The first time she told me
I was wrong
For the way I felt
For being upset
That something had occurred
Something she'd done
That my emotions
Were wrong
When did it first start?
When did she first notice
That I clung to toxic people
That abusive relationships
Were sure to
Back to pain
Back to the familiar
Allowing my weaknesses
To ruin what I do
And how I respond
Preventing me from reaching out
From getting what I want
And even what I need
I’d hoped I was past this
Past the need
Past the want
Though in reality
It was never actually gone
It just took a different form
Many different forms really
Different addictions
Different pains
Different ways to numb all that I felt
Ways to ignore what was going on around me
To only focus on myself
And my selfish wants
Even now
As I write this all down
Its all out of some sick desire
Just some twisted thought in my mind
That my pain
Is any worse
Than anyone else's.
An open road lies before me
As open as it may seem
Struggles and pain are in my way
To show what I may see
Your love, your lies,
Your petty soul, trick my eyes again
My heart, my mind,
You tear me down to see
What pain I will endure
Before I’ll strike back
So you will never
Hurt another soul
Such pain I feel
The pain they see
I will suffer silently
This pain is mine
I will insure
No one but me
Is ever hurt
By the one
That struck me down
To see me die
And watch me drown
I slit my wrists
And starve myself
To try to hide me pain
That no one else
Will ever have to see
And never have to feel
Because I love you
And will not let you be
In th
Self Harm Survey by Kurisutaru-Kitsune, literature
Literature
Self Harm Survey
Age?
21
Sex?
Female
Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc.?
Druggie, Weirdo, Freak
How long have you been cutting?
11 years
Favorite tool?
Straight edged razor blade.
Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?
Wherever I am when I decide I need to.
Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists, forearms, & upper arms, etc.)?
I don't have to hide, my family and doctors know, and I am not ashamed of my scars.
Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I used to, even in 100 degree weather. Not anymore though. I'm not afraid to be seen in a dress or bikini
Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Yes
hard to remember
how to live
how to sing
how to fight
hard to remember
yesterday
when today is so bright
with mental reminders
to keep moving forward
to not give in
to not give up
those little reminders
that hurt your heart
that hurt your soul
that make you feel like
your all alone
When did it first start?
When was the first time
I watched her strike my brother
Threatening to do the same to me
If I didn't "straighten up"
When did it first start?
The first time she called me
Over sensative
For wearing my emotions on my sleeve
Or crying at every little thing
Unlike my brother or father
Who were all but numb
To their emotions
When did it first start?
The first time she told me
I was wrong
For the way I felt
For being upset
That something had occurred
Something she'd done
That my emotions
Were wrong
When did it first start?
When did she first notice
That I clung to toxic people
That abusive relationships
Were sure to
Back to pain
Back to the familiar
Allowing my weaknesses
To ruin what I do
And how I respond
Preventing me from reaching out
From getting what I want
And even what I need
I’d hoped I was past this
Past the need
Past the want
Though in reality
It was never actually gone
It just took a different form
Many different forms really
Different addictions
Different pains
Different ways to numb all that I felt
Ways to ignore what was going on around me
To only focus on myself
And my selfish wants
Even now
As I write this all down
Its all out of some sick desire
Just some twisted thought in my mind
That my pain
Is any worse
Than anyone else's.
An open road lies before me
As open as it may seem
Struggles and pain are in my way
To show what I may see
Your love, your lies,
Your petty soul, trick my eyes again
My heart, my mind,
You tear me down to see
What pain I will endure
Before I’ll strike back
So you will never
Hurt another soul
Such pain I feel
The pain they see
I will suffer silently
This pain is mine
I will insure
No one but me
Is ever hurt
By the one
That struck me down
To see me die
And watch me drown
I slit my wrists
And starve myself
To try to hide me pain
That no one else
Will ever have to see
And never have to feel
Because I love you
And will not let you be
In th
Self Harm Survey by Kurisutaru-Kitsune, literature
Literature
Self Harm Survey
Age?
21
Sex?
Female
Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc.?
Druggie, Weirdo, Freak
How long have you been cutting?
11 years
Favorite tool?
Straight edged razor blade.
Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?
Wherever I am when I decide I need to.
Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists, forearms, & upper arms, etc.)?
I don't have to hide, my family and doctors know, and I am not ashamed of my scars.
Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?
I used to, even in 100 degree weather. Not anymore though. I'm not afraid to be seen in a dress or bikini
Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?
Yes
My Fucked Up Prayer by Kurisutaru-Kitsune, literature
Literature
My Fucked Up Prayer
As I cry
Myself to sleep
I pray tonight
My mind to keep
I'm sick of pain
I want to die
The lonely nights
The fucked up highs
The crappy friends
And rusty blade
My sanity is
Completely frayed
Tear filled nights
Weighed down hearts
Talking with myself
And then it starts
People begin to wonder
If I am insane
'Cause they can't see
That I'm in pain
I starve myself
With bloody arms
The pot helps fight
The way it harms
Doped up on drugs
With sex acts
I keep fucking up
Then the mirror cracks
Who I really am
As everyone sees
Is a lonely child
With a history.
A lot has happened since I last posted or updated on here, so I'll try to keep things fairly simple.
HEALTH
My health has taken a turn for the worse.
I have two vertebrae in my lower lumbar that are degrading. I've spoke with a surgeon and surgery is not ideal for someone like me. (25, smoker, have arthritis, fibro, depression, and anxiety.) He fears I would be left in more pain than before and has prescribed me 6 weeks of physical therapy to start me into more regular exercise. I'm not excited about this, but I am terribly out of shape, and my back pain has only made that worse.
I started seeing a new therapist in December, and I really
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